Life is not what we think it is...

I'm so "WOW!" about my older blogs :/

Ok... let me start by saying that i pretend my blogs to be something i can relax with and not worry about some grammar. Of course is not like I'm gonna type some horrible typo here or there that will twist the whole meaning of what I'm writing. tsk tsk.. here I go...

Yes after reading my older blogs I feel stupid. I cant believe how mature I felt when i wrote that. Well, I must admit there is some statements there that also make me realize how mature I was for certain things. In fact, I have come to realize that us humans actually live in our own little world most of the times and we feel all big and smart when we do certain things at a point of our lives thinking is the best, just to read it a few years later and be like (o.o) [yes that's a face hehe] .

A few things about me.... I'm going to college. I'm completely alone. By alone I mean a few fail attempts to live back with my mother because I have been out of her house since I'm 13. It didn't work of course so I'm back in Philadelphia. Live has been kinda hard. I'm going to college [HONORS STUDENT YEAHHHH!] Im looking for a job and I'm trying to be independent. I broke up with the guy I mentioned on previous posts a year ago. I must say life feels better being single now. We weren't meant to be together forever, but,we were meant to be in each others life for sometime. God has a purpose and it was fulfilled. Maybe for me to learn a lesson and maybe for him to have a personal caretaker for 3 years ... hahah but whatever.

I'm also thinking about a way of helping college students to have books for their semester. I was thinking of a renting books thing. Like they could get their books for 60 dollars each and at the end when they return it they get 30 and we keep 30 to help others get any book we don't have and keep on. The upfront money will keep books from being kept and us loose them. I honestly wish this was out there already as of I get scared of not being able to afford mine at some point in time.How about a foster home for college students? Argh! Yes I have my mind running wild with sooo many ideas! I want to make a difference SOMEWHERE!

First things first... Me getting a job! urgh... who wants to hire a college student who goes to school from Monday - Friday from 11:00 am to 4:00pm?

Oh also... I am now having body image issues.. seriously my thoughts needs to get sorted. One problem gets solved and another comes along!

My question to anyone who reads this>>>

What was you doing when you was in college? how you managed your life? Ever felt alone and actually was alone? No single mothers, please I have heard those stories before. I mean an single 23 years old without help from parents. Alone in a place you wasn't raised at... etc.

"In your lifetime you might not be able to make a mark in the world.. but be sure as hell you will mark someones life. Because one person will mean the world to you :)" By me.

Take care! Thanks for reading!

Cheating??!!

OK so basically... What the fuck is cheating? Because I really don't get it? I mean for what I understood we are able to cheat even by just feeling desire for another person who is not your partner. So If I catch my boyfriend looking at some other ex or a girl she had a fling with a long time ago so is that cheating? Because I don't get the part of.. Why the fuck does he have to? why he added her on his myspace? Why he even left comments on her pictures? He was like signing his death sentence with me right there because I will [ I actually did] go all psycho rican bitch on him. Ok, so I DID lie at the beginning of our relationship, But I only lied by telling him I was single when I wasn't, or well technically I was, because after me letting my ex play with my heart and being behind his ass for half a year he got locked up [that made me free] so when he got locked up he decided to go back with me I was so blindly in love I say yes and i wrote to him and all that lame crap [really lame and a waste of life, all you ladies out there with a locked up partner, forget about that crap,USE HIS JAIL TIME TO FREE YOURSELF] Well, I met my now boyfriend and I started going out with him, He was perfect for me, he was fun, interesting and MATURE, yup he is 43 and I'm 21 [I'm a year older than his daughter] he was kinda..humm maybe thoughtful or confused about going out with me but between men I prefer OLDER guys because 1) they are less of a headache 2)They are mature 3) Stable 4) He don't have young kids which I love. [Even thou i don't like the he have kids thing but i think i should worry more about a 40 something year old with no kids,and no life, right?]So well I waited on my ex boyfriend who was in jail to say he wanted to marry me and i left that day and never turned my back. He was shocked because everyone knew i was in mad love for him and then suddenly all those feelings went away. So after I cut everything with him and kept the friendship with his siters and mother because they loved me and they said don't forget about us just because you broke up with him, we still your friends and we really appreciate your friendship. They are very cool people and I love them and appreciate their friendship a lot, they where there for me when I SUFFER from the love i felt for their brother, and they are REAL friends not backstabbers.

Ok so Then my boyfriend had an accident on which he lost his left hand at work and since I do love him lot or at least at that moment i was starting to feel all this caring and mixed feelings for him i stayed with him a whole week sleeping on one of those reclinable chairs in the hospital, I use to underwear and clothes on the street right outside the hospital while i was staying there I rarely left him more than 15 minutes alone, He almost lost his right hand too, so both hands where bandaged he could eat so i feed him and gave him baths, we played cards, draw stupid things, talked and the funniest part was when all the pain medication kicked in he was seeing nurses coming out of the wall and he said he send for my brother who was in a boat and nonsense like that. ok yes.. We even make out in the hospital, hahaha ok that was cool. Best experience ever. ok his accident hap pend on November first so that New years eve, his best friend [who was going out with my ex sister in law] went to her house for the first time and saw a picture of ME sitting on my ex lap in jail :$ I was shocked and I froze hell broke loose, ok the point is that my boyfriend FORGAVE ME, well i told him that i just lied on the part that i was with the other first so i played on the other one with him but he didn't get it alright ok, i didnt wanted to make things clear but just for him to then forgive I didn't want to lose him. From that December 2007 til now everything was fine, besides him trying to smear on my face like if I'm cheating here and there every time we fight, i know deep inside him he knows I'm not , he knows i love him he is just to crazy, hahaha. Ok my POINT is if he forgave me and forgot i don't think there is a point at all for him to try and say he wrote to her because of what i did to him, that was long deep buried he didn't even cared for that anymore. I saw him al nervous when i told him to get on his myspace account because he knew he did that but he didn't know that I saw his friends list I saw her and recognize her and he knew I knew the story behind them because when i first moved in with him he had pictures of her and he told me everything and he GAVE ME PERMISSION to get rid of those pictures. I saw when she was in his friend list and that bitch profile was private soooooo [ :), smart moi] I did a fake male profile and since she is a bitch she added me for sure! And He got fucking BUSTED! I saw the comments he left on her page!So I was on hype Mode, and print screened everything [that's the proof right there] and saved it on my pc just in case he would do a slicker move than me and delete it. So I woke him up and yelled at him to get on myspace " RIGHT NOW!!!" He was all confused, like "wtf?" and i was just mad, pissed and feeling betrayed because he looked at my eyes not even a week ago and said he loved me too much and that he would never cheat on me and he had everything he ever wanted on a woman with me. [ which i know is true :)] Well, I didn't know what i was going to find in his inbox, sent, draft and sent messages i just told him to look into his messages when i said draft messages he got nervous and I noticed it, I mean I got busted too I know how it feels and I know all the expressions, then i told him to look in trash, he was so confused and nervous he studder and said " oh but then you are getting into my myspace account" which I'm not but i wish, lol i would have notice those messages when they first started. So the message she left him and was in the trash [he forgot to delete the trash can after deleting the message] was "HEY OLD MAN,BACK IN PHILLY,I HAVE MY CELL BUT IT NOT ON $$$" that's exactly how she wrote it, that sounds to me like in other messages he asked for her cell number so she answered that and shes like saying, " i have a cell but no minutes if you want to talk to me well you know what to do" Ok I'm I paranoid in this, like was he supposed to talk again to her? 20 something years ago he played the mother of his daughter with THAT fucking woman!!!!!! OMG, OMG ,I'm dying, that just came into my mind, Fuck, no I'm mad and pissed again! I grabbed my laptop when i found the new message and sat with it on the table and he came to my side and he said " mami i swear that woman is the one sending me lots and lots of comments" I'm like if you know who the fuck she is then why the fuck she is in your friend list in the first place either you accepted her friend request or you mother fucker sent it to her. Ok, I am supposed to do what? We ain't talking to each other he is sleeping in the sofa and yet he don't feel not a bit of fucking remorse for what he did, he don't feel worried about loosing me and he don't even do an effort to talk to me about the whole thing! ooohh nd when he was getting on his page he said " well if i did something then i did something", wtf? when he found out about me I felt so ashamed and afraid of loosing him that I almost begged to be heard and I cried and yelled until he heard me. He think he have me so assured or he don't care if he losses me? Ok, I'm pissed i will let you with this.


Never let your lips talk over your heart, it trumps how you trully feel and only adds to the confusion. Always speak from the heart not only it is honest to you, but it is honest to those involved.

p.s I just figured the whole add picture thing and how to corect my grammar mistakes and all that, haha!

Ok, I won't let a year pass...

Without writing again, Hi Rachee! thanks for leaving comments I feel bad I didnt Answered, I hope form my heart you are doing ok! I'm back...
Ok so I have been thru a whole lot since last time I wrote. I got pregnant and but I lost the baby at 16 weeks, It was a horrible situation and I'm begging God not to go thru it again, it made feel like shit, since its my second pregnancy and the first one i lost it at 8 weeks. I feel im the one to blame for it because i took so many ambiens by the month of December 2008 that in a way I was surprised that i was still pregnant at 14 weeks when the secodn trimester starts. I did all those pills because on December 14 my niece died, she was 4 months old and she was so adorable i never got to meet her because Im living in Philadelphia and she was in Puerto Rico by that time, but i went crazy that night i was on the phone with my brother who was on his way to the house from the army base or whatever they call it, he was with me o nthe phone the whole way, then he arrived to our house and i hear my sister talking to him in a very agitated way like if she was running or something saying in spanish " Carlos, Carlos, my baby left, my baby left, Carlos Mariely died" after that the phone hung. My knees failed me and I fell on the floor like jello. I cried in a very loud way and my boyfriend when upstairs inmediatly,I tried the harder I could to stand but I felt like my legs went numb. He laid me on the floor gave me pillows and got me water. It was too much pain, i tried calling my brother hundreds of times but the didnt picked up the phone, I could just think that my niece was gone she was a baby! I reached for those ambien 10mg, took two and almost inmediatly felt the high of it I cant tell what happen for a week, one of ambien secondary effects is amnesia and my boyfriend tells me I even asked for cigarretes [I'm not a smoker], He says that the only thing i Did was lay on the floor and drink water and eat a sandwich once in a while because i was like in another world. The December 24th was there when i woke up of the whole ambien effect, It took almost 2 days for the effect of those pills leave my system. Well... when i was feeling good out of the ambien I noticed that i kept feeling weird soemthing was just not right, I was feeling so bloated and strange I had the thought of being pregnant but I also that i was prolly withdrawing from the pill... no I found on January 5th I was pregnant Aroun a month or so. [Huge fucking mistake, maybe I could have my baby still, I have always have the feeling that those pills did some kind of effect on me loosing my pregnancy 4 months later] So I fucked up big time on that one. I was feeling worst but also happy because being pregnant gave me so much strengh, I went back to School and I graduate June 16th 2009!! YaaaaYyyyyssss for me! I did it because i said to myself wait.. Im goign to have a child I cant be a loser anymore. I filled application for college and I will go for Registered Nurse if I had the money I would go for Some kind of surgeon but ohhhhh well gotta grab what God gave me. Losing my baby was very sad, confused and I felt lonely and I felt like a loser too. I asked myself What the fuck is wrong with me? I cant hold I child in my uterus? Would i be able to have kids? And i get madly pissed when people tell me " it was god plan", " Maybe it wasnt meant to be", or " the baby wanted to be with God" I mean don't even say that to a mother who looses a baby if shes not very hormonal still she might curse you out some other will agree with you {like i did} but i wasnt really happy with what they were telling me, rather than that say " Dont worry, I know you wanted THAT baby, you will be able to have another pregnancy and be able to have it full term" or say nothing and cry with her and ell her you do understand her pain, telling her the other stuff is not helpful at all, at elast it wasn't for me. I didnt felt good with leaving my 16 weeks old baby in the hospital for them to cremate him and mix his ashes with some other ashes so I got my baby back and cremated him but his ashes in a ver cute keepsake kinda marble thing Which is beautiful I will post a picture later[when i figure it out, haha]And now i have my little angel with me.

Knock, Knock.. anyone there?

Im back and this is the truth!!

Hi... i havent posted, no one in reading but is fine, at least i get to get all my feelings out. I think i have suffered from depression since last year and only on Augost i decided to walk in into a mental crisis clinic because i really had some seroius thoughts about my life. I new that if i go home and lock myself in the bedroom again and sumerge on it i ws going to take away my life, since i was out of my house i need inmediate roof and the hospital was the closest. I really feel sad most of the time, but no one understand me, i really feel worthless and that i always look stupid... Im sad. I have a man that I love, but he is fucking me over. I love him with all my heart but he is not taking me anywhere, Im 21, i wanna get married im tired of living with man like this< he is the second>, im tired of filling application or when i get asked i have to put that im single, because of course the option of ** boyfriend is no where around. Im tired of putting up so much with relatioships and at the end i dont get shit, not even divorce... damn it. If at least I knew someone is reading me i would post his emails to me and text messages... knock knock... someone here?

Phillies!! woohoo!!we did it!

Hi!Today Phillies won the world series!!!It is a big event her in Philadelphia! Hahahah well... after 28 years, hahaha who wouldnt make it a big event? It was fun, i got to scream all i wanted, I had a flag and a towel, i went around the city hall it was soooo full, people jumping and screaming everyone soo happy! All kind of people got together! i was sticking my hand out of the carwith my flag and people were like just touching my hand !" yeah phillies!! wooo we did it yeah!" It ws so,so full looked something like the Puerto Rican parade in New york only multiracial!! just perfect! While we were stuck in the traffic we saw this girl running real scared, she got close to the car with something in her arms that looked like one of those team jackets that are kinda shinny? She just screamed help!! those guys wanna take my flag!! and 4 black big guys after her and her boyfriend, they boyfriend tried like to make them pay attention to him, so we yelled ather get in the car get in the car, but i guess she was so scared that she just kept running! Seriously those guys were going to hit her!! then they were after her boyfriend he tried to confront them, but besides those 4 guys he was an ant, beleive it or not, another Big black guy got in the middle of them 4 and the white guy and save the white guys life(gotta say like this :p) But this other guy looked more respectful than the other ghetto fools(all repect i live in the ghetto too)Itold my boyfriend, make a you turn forget about this traffic lets go get the girl she needs help," he did a U turn and we told her to get in the wwe will help her, she lost her celphone in all this trouble i lend her my phone to call his boyfriend, we got to meet one of the bussines director for the phillies he triedto help her too! the thing is the boyfriend got to our car, then they looked for the flag, and she was just so nice they actually wanted to steal her flag!! ABigthik flag that was hanging on one of the huge fat poles from the city. She gave me her number and her boyfriend try to pay us for what we did! we didnt take the money, is not right! We weremore than happy to help them and Im glad she probably got home save with her flag!

Hi again! I'm still trying to figure this whole blog thing, i cant change the font!! Daum! Today i have spent the whole day sleeping some of you might think is awesome, but is not funny not having a life, yes you read it ,I HAVE NO LIFE.(please excuse my grammar I'm just typing real fast) I have been really depressed since last year, a broken heart did it and i reduced my life to zero. I never understood why some people cried over other people. Why people cry when they lose a love? But last year i understood, the pain of losing someone i really loved, the feeling in my chest every night i cried. I felt the thing in my throat of holding my tears every time i wanted to explode in pain. I couldn't believe myself, i couldn't believe i was able to cry for someone who at the time i was crying for him he probably was laughing with his friends or just watching t.v peacefully!! What!? And just to wake up every morning with my eyes red because i have fallen a sleep crying. It was so painful back then that today when i write this tears come out of my eyes, not because i still feeling hurt, but because I still remembering the pain and how i felt. Today i think, how many people are feeling like that right now? How many people is crying like a cried those days? How many people is feeling that horrible pain? I wish i could be there for them, is very sad and you feel very lonely when you cry like that. I hate when people says you will get over it, is a reality but please don't tell me that now, that's the last thing i want to hear take me out and make me try to forget but don't tell me things like that you barely understand how i feel at the time even thou you probably felt like that before. but the reality is, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT NOW! or please give me some sleeping pills, lol. A real friend will always be with you no matter the distance.

My first blog!

Hi everyone!! this is my first blog! Im going to introduce myself so you all can know me a little bit! Im a young woman in my early 20's, i have a boyfriend who is half older than my age. We have been living together for a year now. I have to wonderful pets, a pitbull who is sweeter than a candy and a cat who just appeared one morning at my doorstep(he was a baby by then now he is a youngster ;)I dont have any family members with me. Only my dad who lives a a couple minutes far from me. I dye my hair dark red, i have golden skin, brown cute eyes :p( i 'wont say my weight :$ and im 5'7. I enjoy beign in the computer, im addicted i guess, i love animal and most of all i love asian culture. I have a bad temper a VERY bad temper but im a very sweet, friendly person who tends to win your mothers heart! Teachers always loved me too, hehe! Im not going to tired you anymore so you wont think this is another boring blog, i hope you all can keep reading me and dont let me forgotten in a deep dark corner of the internet!! Please get to know me more and more in my blogs!